She was a childhood friend of mine. We were home schooled together from 2nd grade until her senior year (she was one grade ahead of me), and we spent many a days together (along with her sister) playing make-believe, building forts in the woods, riding bikes, listening and dancing to boy bands, playing MASH, and talking about boys (admittedly, I think I was more obsessed with finding true love than they were). We lost touch after high school, but thanks to social media we have been able to regain a friendship and keep in touch with each other's families via the internet. I do wish we spent more time together in person, though.
I already knew bits and pieces of Ashlee's testimony through some of our talks, but I did not realize how eerily similar parts of our stories were. After she sent me this testimony, I was honestly in shock to find that our ex's could've been twins--but I'll save those comparisons for another rainy day.
I want to take a moment to give Ashlee a HUUUUUGE THANK YOU for volunteering to step up as my first
So without further ado, here is Ashlee's story....
"April asked me if I would mind sharing my testimony with you all on her blog and of course I couldn't turn her down. :) I see her passion in her writing and hear her heart and I think she has a good thing in the making. I really see God using our stories and testimonies as a blessing to others and I am thankful for the opportunity April is giving us to share our hearts with each other.
The hard part for me is trying to figure out where to start. I guess I will begin back in the summer of 2001. It was the summer before my Senior year of high school (Dang, I am OLD!). I attended a conference with my church youth group at Baptist Bible College in Clark Summit, PA, and there I ended up meeting a guy who years later became my husband on June 9th, 2007. We both attended and graduated from Boyce Bible College in Louisville, KY. We bought our first home in 2008 and had our first child on January 21st, 2010.
We both professed to be Christians, but there was some doubt in my heart whether or not my husband truly was. He knew the Bible inside-out. He could quote scripture as if it were lyrics to the most overplayed song on the radio. However, he would often twist verses into meaning things that were not true. Some of the choices that he made were also not of God.
Now, I am in no way professing to be a saint; I am FAR from it! How I reacted to some of his choices may have been worse than the acts he did. You see, I had a bit--okay, maybe more than a bit of a temper. I really didn't have patience for things that I KNEW were wrong, and how I dealt with them may have been more harsh than what Christ would have agreed with. The whole "slow to speak, slow to anger..." went out the window when I felt my husband was doing wrong. I won't throw his dirty laundry around and it's not really all that important to my testimony, but needless to say we argued a LOT. It was constant. My husband couldn't do anything right in my eyes, and I couldn't stop nagging. All of the arguing definitely put a wedge between us.
He worked three jobs and when he wasn't working he was trying to catch up on sleep. Meanwhile, I was taking care of our son and 6 months after he was born I became pregnant AGAIN with our second boy (talk about a SURPRISE!). I was EXHAUSTED and I was watching other children to try and supplement income. Six months after having our second child, I had this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I remember hanging up clothes that were thrown all over the floor in our closet, reaching down and picking up my husband's jeans. In the pocket there was a folded up piece of paper, and being nosy I opened the paper. It was either a poem he wrote or lyrics from a song... I couldn't tell which it was and I can't even tell you today what exactly it said, word-for-word. It had something to do with living a lie, though.
My husband wasn't home at the time; he was at work. In fact, he was working at a Christian Private school as the high school art teacher! On that specific day, he was cleaning up his classroom and preparing for school to start the following week. After finding the note, I called him up and asked, “Are you a Christian or not?!” In the back of my mind I already knew his answer because of some of his previous choices and actions. When I read that paper I just knew he was living a lie of being a “Christian.” Even though I felt it deep inside, his answer to my question was not what I was expecting, or maybe better said it was not the answer I was hoping for. He said, “No, Ashlee, I am NOT a Christian.”
We went to Bible college together, I married him thinking I was marrying a Christian man, we had TWO boys together!!! Within that one moment, my entire life as I knew it became a lie. Following my emotions, I immediately spit out, “Well, we can't be married then because we aren't going to agree on how to raise the boys!" He agreed and said that he wanted a divorce. My life, right then and there, fell to pieces. 'Christians don't get divorced,' I thought to myself! I mean, just the word "Divorce" was like a curse word in my book! If I got divorced, surely people were going to see me as a failure; I have two kids... not just two kids, but two MALES!!! How can I raise young boys to turn into proper MEN? Those were the thoughts and questions that ran through my head when I heard the word “Divorce."
I told my husband if he wasn't a Christian then he should quit his job since it was at a Christian school, because he was living a lie. Again, to my surprise, without hesitation he quit his job and only 30 minutes later he was at home. I knew then that he was serious, especially since the job he left paid pretty well! The next day, the boys and I flew to Florida to stay with my parents. I had nowhere else to go, and when you go through something like that you WANT your family. At least I did! I had no car, no money, and I literally moved down with a small suitcase. I didn't even have toys for the boys.
I quickly found a serving job after moving to Florida, but I had to ride my mom's bike 6 miles back and forth, and pay a friend $30 a day to watch the boys while I worked. Some days (most days!) I showed up to work and they would tell me that I wasn't needed, but my friend had already picked the boys up to bring back to her house. Of course, that meant I still felt obligated to pay her for her trouble. It was an awful situation and a lot of struggle! I then took on a second job and had to ride my bike from one job to the next-- some days I would ride my bike home at 10 o'clock at night, alone. Stress does not even begin to describe how I felt. I didn't get to see my boys often and when I did, I was too busy stressing about money and everything else that I couldn't just relax and enjoy them. I felt like a complete failure on every level.
I called their dad and BEGGED him to take us back. I pleaded to do marriage counseling, I made so many promises of being a “better” wife, etc. He would usually cuss me out, hang up on me or just ignore my calls, but right before Christmas (3 months after being separated) he decided to *LET* us move back and accepted my plea to work on our marriage. A sigh of relief was an understatement. My family tried to do everything they could to keep me from going back, but I knew in my heart that I had to try to make our marriage work... after all, as a Christian woman I felt it was what God called me to do.
He picked us up at the airport...late... but I wasn't about to get upset over that. We had our oldest son's second birthday party shortly after we moved back. Things were okay for a while. There would be times where I could feel the tension but I would do my best not to get upset or angry, in fear that the boys and I would be kicked out again. It was a life lived on eggshells. If I did snap back or question him I would immediately apologize and come short of kissing the ground he walked on. I did not want to get thrown out again. It was so hard for me to be a single mom and away from my boys all day; I couldn't bare the thought of doing that again. My husband and I attended a few marriage sessions and they were completely useless-- an absolute waste of time. In fact, I ended up going off on the counselor and walking out in tears, which we can save that story for another time.
About six months later, my husband told me out of the blue that he wanted a divorce and we were "done." He didn't feel like he could be himself around me. At first, I begged him to not do that to us; our family. I tried getting him to understand that we had two boys who needed BOTH of us, I explained how difficult a divorce would be on them... I went to my church and talked with my pastor, looking for solid advice on keeping our marriage. The only advice I got from him was to wear sexy lingerie, cook his favorite meals and don't speak unless spoken to. I was so upset that I called a friend and in the middle of Steak and Shake I poured my heart out to her. Everything I held inside just came pouring out. She probably was not prepared for it at all, but she handled it well and I felt so much better afterwards.
After our talk, I went home and got on my computer to do something. For some reason, his email account was up and I stumbled across emails that were written to other women. I won't go into detail of what I read, but I will say they weren't sacred to our marriage. It was then and there that I decided I was done fighting for our marriage. I felt like God allowed me to see those emails for a reason. I never again begged him to stay. I changed my mindset and I started preparing myself and my boys for our move back to Florida (what was going to be our new, permanent home). I packed all of our stuff and what I couldn't take I sold. I moved in with the same friend I poured my heart out to for three months until the divorce was finalized, during which I began advertising on Craigslist for childcare services in Florida. I made plans to rent my parents second house (what a blessing it was that they had a second home to offer!), I set up a P.O.D to be delivered so I could move all our belongings down (If I would have packed a flip flop extra into that P.O.D we would have been over the weight limit! Tell me there is no God?!), I booked our flight and I paid a friend to drive us to the airport. As quickly as possible after the divorce, we were in Florida.
My husband told me he wanted a divorce on August 6th, 2012-- we moved to Florida on November 11th, 2012. Getting divorced that quickly with children is almost unheard of, but he didn't fight me on anything. He wanted the divorce so badly that he signed away his rights to force me to stay in Kentucky with the boys. His lawyer kept trying to talk him out of allowing us to move, but Ben didn't care (Thank God! I wanted and needed to be with my family!). He was granted 6 weeks of visitation per year, which he has yet to visit that often due to finances and work schedules. On the first week of December that year, I had my first family to babysit for. The mother was a pastor and she told me she felt God was going to bless me and that my prospective preschool would be successful. Shortly after, I received two more families to babysit for and by February I was able to purchase a new car for myself.
Let's go back to New Years for a moment. After some hard convincing, my brother finally got me to go onto a dating site. I had never been on a dating site and I had JUST gotten divorced! I really was not looking to jump into any type of relationship, but then I saw a commercial for ChristianMingle.com. I thought, 'Well, it's a Christian site. I guess it would be nice to talk to someone.' When you move away from your home town and come back years later, you can't expect your childhood friends to be there waiting for you. They, too, have moved on with their own lives. I was so depressed, lonely, and broken, so I decided to cave and created myself a profile.
I did not have internet so I could only access my account at my parents' house. Nobody on that site caught my interest; every single one of them seemed desperate to me. I lost hope in the site, but then I got a message from Greg. In his profile picture he was wearing a Colts baseball hat, which is my FAVORITE team so that caught my eye! But his profile itself was extremely vague. He sent me like five messages before I ever responded back to him. One day, I finally decided to message him back. We ended up talking over the phone for a month and then we decided to go on a date. We met at TGI Friday's and ever since that first day, we have been together. It's been a little over three years and now, we are engaged!
Greg is a Christian (this time, there is no doubt). He is a family man, he has values, he loves my family, he is a hard worker.... I could go on and on about him, but I'll save that for yet another story. Of course, we do argue and have disagreements but we work through them. From my divorce I was able to see the areas in my own life where I need to improve. I could see the problems that I caused in my marriage, but I could also see how God took a bad experience and my mistakes and used them as a teaching tool for the future; something so much better. I don't have any regrets, because honestly it was the hard times that led me to where I am today. A life for which I am very, VERY grateful!
I learned to forgive my boys' father and I trust that he has forgiven me. We are able to communicate with one another and keep a certain level of friendship between us for the sake of our sons. We don't say hurtful remarks to each other, we don't talk negatively about the other to our boys, and we don't try to create drama. We honestly do try to our sons' best interests a priority. I feel like we have done well on that, so far. My ex still lives in KY and he only sees them 2-3 times a year, for a week or less at a time. He REALLY misses out! I try to be mindful of that and update him as often as I can. I send him pictures of the boys, the boys' art work, etc.
Life is too short to hold grudges and hold onto past hurts. The Bible tells us to love all people, even our enemies!
"But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Matthew 5:44
I don't consider my ex to be my enemy per se, but if I am called to love my enemies then I am certainly also called to love and pray for the father of my children; a man who once did play a large role in my life. I hope my story encourages someone and gives hope that even in the lowest of valleys you can be blessed. If you believe and put your trust in God He will bring you to a place of rest where you can find peace and happiness, and where you can say, “I am here because of God."
Amen, Ashlee. I couldn't have said it better, myself. We can't give God the credit for our mistakes, but we most definitely can give him the credit for taking our wrongs and making them right. If we confess our sins, and not only that, but also confess that we are lost WITHOUT our Lord's hand to guide us, we can find our life in the midst of all the chaos.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
I, too, do not regret my past. I have a beautiful son who teaches me so many important life lessons daily, whom I would not have if I did not make the choices that I made. Perhaps, I *should have* listened to all of the warnings and signs (as many people preached to me after my divorce), but just because I didn't heed to them does not mean that my life was not moving in the direction that God had ultimately planned for me. No, in fact, my life has found more purpose and meaning, more seasoning, because of my past.
Working through our troubles adds strength and character when we allow ourselves to learn and grow from the mistakes that we have made. Nobody is perfect, but when we are finally able to accept that alone, we as humans are helpless, but with God we can be so much more, THAT is when He is able to turn our pain and into a testimony.
Ashlee, you are living proof of that. You faced your fears of being alone, of being a single mom, and you embraced it. You trusted that God would provide, especially when you couldn't. And HE did! What a mighty God we serve! I have enjoyed watching your business grow and flourish over the past few years, as well as your two adorable, smart, sweet, and funny young boys. Your love for being their mommy shines through to the world. You are a daily inspiration to me and to others, for putting your best foot forward and grabbing life by the horns when the going gets tough. Greg is a lucky BLESSED man to have you. May you both treat each other well and have a beautiful life together, as you so greatly deserve!
Thank you, once again, for sharing your story with us, Ashlee. Your words were most definitely the epitome of being Spoken True.
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